I am my own skipper and later on I shall see where I come to land.
Saturday, 7 November 1942
We are exact opposites in everything; so naturally we are bound to run up against each other. I don’t pronounce judgment on Mummy’s character, for that is something I can’t judge. I only look at her as a mother, and she doesn’t succeed in being that to me; I have to be my own mother. I’ve drawn myself apart from them all; I am my own skipper and later on I shall see where I come to land. All this comes about particularly because I have in my mind’s eye an image of what a perfect mother and wife should be; and in her whom I must call ‘Mother’ I find no trace of that image.
I am always making resolutions not to notice Mummy’s bad example. I want to see only the good side of her and to seek in myself what I cannot find in her. But it doesn’t work; and the worst of it is that neither Daddy nor Mummy understands this gap in my life, and I blame them for it. I wonder if anyone can ever succeed in making their children absolutely content.