Humor Quotes

Please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install a lovely bookshelf on the wall

Sunday, September 13th, 2009
day of the dead tvs

Then fill the shelves with lots of books,

Ignoring all the dirty looks,

The screams and yells, the bites and kicks,

And children hitting you with sticks…

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If you are foolish enough to be contented, don’t show it, but grumble with the rest

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009
cows napping

…if you can do with a little, ask for a great deal. Because if you don’t you won’t get any. In this world, it is necessary to adopt the principle pursued by the plaintiff in an action for damages, and to demand ten times more than you are ready to accept. If you can feel satisfied with a hundred, begin by insisting on a thousand; if you start by suggesting a hundred, you will only…

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I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009
two poodles looking out a window

I love to keep it by me: the idea ot getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.

You cannot give me too much work; to accumulate work has almost become a passion with me: my study is so full of it now, that there is hardly an inch of room for any more. I shall have to throw out a wing soon.

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Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.

Saturday, June 27th, 2009
romantic Japanese garden

Also like the measles, we take it only once. One never need be afraid of catching it a second time. The man who has had it can go into the most dangerous places, and play the most fool-hardy tricks with perfect safety. He can picnic in shady woods, ramble through leafy…

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It’s raining jugs and tractors are falling, sucked into the swamp appearing next door

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

Picnickers look up, shrieking and running,
Children look down, then leap for new puddles,
Jumping like tub-fulls of freewheeling frogs…

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We are so bound together that no man can labour for himself alone

Monday, June 1st, 2009
barn raising 1907

Each blow he strikes in his own behalf helps to mould the Universe. The stream, in struggling onward, turns the mill-wheel; the coral insect, fashioning its tiny cell, joins continents to one another; and the ambitious man, building a pedestal for himself, leaves a monument to…

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Feisty I am then, and proud, but I’ll try to keep farting silently.

Friday, May 29th, 2009
Wanda McCollar

I’ll drag bitch and old bat
along with me for texture.
In time one will bow to the other,
but for now – I’ll keep
them laughing together…

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When was the last time you bought a pet by the pound?

Wednesday, May 13th, 2009

A young woman, also smiling, approaches us. I point to the dishes on the other tables.

“We’ll have some of that.”

Josh is worried. He has not forgotten Canton, where we…

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In front of everyone, I whipped out my eye and handed it to the umpire: “You’ll do better with this one.”

Wednesday, May 6th, 2009

At Ossining High School the baseball field was right in back of the school and the grandstand was very close to the playing field, particularly on the third base side. This is significant because on this particular day it was a play at third base where the umpire called me…

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A clear conscience makes you very happy and contented; but a full stomach does the business quite as well, and is cheaper

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
Floris Claesz van Dyck still life

After a cup of tea (two spoonsful for each cup, and don’t let it stand more than three minutes), it says to the brain, “Now, rise, and show your strength. Be eloquent, and deep, and tender; see, with a clear eye, into Nature and into life; spread your white wings of quivering thought, and soar, a god-like spirit, over the whirling…”

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One cannot quite believe the potted plants. They associate too much with people.

Sunday, April 12th, 2009
potted plants in a row

“Now I too am sitting on a stalk, just as the flowers do!” said the butterfly. “But it is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is like being married – one it stuck!” And then he consoled himself with that.

“That is poor consolation,” said the potted plants in the…”

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There is no fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009
bored kitty laying on his back

Idling always has been my strong point. I take no credit to myself in the matter – it is a gift. Few possess it. There are plenty of lazy people and plenty of slow-coaches, but a genuine idler is a rarity. He is not a man who slouches about with his hands in his…

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